Of Sadness & Self Loathing


I fought off despair today when it gripped me suddenly. I went to mail Christmas presents to my partner’s parents today. It was raining. The parking lot was crazy. There were people everywhere. It was going to be $65+ to get the presents there by Christmas (which I cannot part with right now). By the time I got home my mood had plummeted. By the time I got home I was almost in tears. In part because I felt like my failure to get the Christmas presents made earlier in the month was a huge thing. And in part because my failure to budget the money to get them mailed out by Christmas was a huge thing. I got home and my partner was basically busy on the computer. I could have asked him for attention but I didn’t want to ask. So instead I wasn’t so much ignored as just wasn’t a priority at that moment, and felt completely alone and unwanted. I wandered downstairs and into the dark living room and basically moped. I just moped. By the time I got into the dark room I was miserable. I felt horrible about myself. I was drowning in a torrent of self-hateful thoughts. I’m bad with money. I’m ugly. I’m a failure. I wouldn’t get anywhere in life. My partner didn’t want me. I was slowly eating away at myself. Depressed and unhappy.

My cat, however, had other plans for me. Maybe she sensed my misery and came to give me comfort in the only way she knows how. Or maybe she was just glad someone was back in house to pay attention her. My cat has abandonment issues and gets very upset whenever anyone leaves. So when I sat down and curled up on the couch she came to me. She hopped onto the arm of the couch and meowed at me until I uncurled enough for her to get into my lap. She then demanded that I pet her. I didn’t have time to mope, or be sad, I had a cat that required my attention. Oya has no use for my pity parties, she only has use for my hands. But as I was petting her I was slowly feeling better and better. Until I was able to function again. Until I was able to pull myself back out of the sadness. My cat loves me, if nothing else. Not everything is bad.

I’m not ugly. I’m not that bad with money, my ex-husband is way way worse. I am going to get somewhere in life, I already am. My partner most certainly does want me.

I’m still struggling with it. The sadness is still inside of me, waiting to take hold again. I think it might always be there, just on the edge. But I will continue to pull myself back out of it. I am beautiful, and I’m making my life so much better than it was. I’m an author now. I’m back in school. And I have a very sweet, needy cat.

So if you’re out there feeling sad right now, I understand. I really do. I understand the thing that lives inside of you that tells you you’re not good enough. I understand it has your own voice. I understand how it suddenly takes ahold of you and you don’t always know why. I understand it makes the world seem like a dark, bleak place. It leeches out all of the color and light. But I promise you it will be okay.

You can make it through it. You’re beautiful. You are not a failure. You’re going to be someone because you already are someone. Don’t give up. Find some way to make yourself happy, if only for a little bit. Stand out in the sunlight for a while. Spend time with your cat or you dog, or your family. If you don’t have any pets, or family, look at pictures of animals on the internet. It’ll be alright, I promise. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually it’ll be okay.

I promise.


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