No Soul Mates

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Hello!

It has been a little while.  I’m coming out of some rough times, but getting better.  I’m starting to write again!  As of today, in fact, with this post!  Today I wanted to discuss the topic of “Soul Mates” or “The One True Love”.

To give you some background this was sparked from reading this article here on HuffPost.  Go read it! (But don’t forget to come back!)

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Okay back?  Excellent.

I have to say that I completely agree with the main message of this article.  The idea Mary seems to be getting across to me is, “There is no one true love for you.”  In other words, there is no soul mate out there waiting to complete you and be completed by you.  There is no one out there that is going to fix you, or fill whatever hole you are trying to fill inside of yourself.

Lets look at this from the other side.  You are someone’s mysterious soul mate.  When they find you, you will fix them.  You will complete them.  They are not a complete person until you come into their life.  Does that seem okay to you?  Lets take it to a step further into the absurd with an example.

You are out in the world, doing your thing, being you.  There is someone out there waiting for you.  Waiting for you to sweep into their life and fix their problems.   Their problems include; a broken dishwasher, an overflowing catbox, a flat tire, a puddle of spilled milk, and a missing shoe.

Now, maybe you can take care one or more of the things on this list.  You can change a flat tire, change a catbox, clean up spilt milk, and maybe help them find the shoe.  Can’t help with the dishwasher, though.  They’ll need to call a plumber or their maintenance company for that.

This isn’t acceptable to them, though.  You are supposed to be the one to fix all their problems.  Why can’t you fix the dishwasher?  You were sent to fix it…  What do you tell them?  Also, you come to realize that catbox?  It’s been overflowing for years.  The spilled milk?  Spilled so long ago you have rancid yogurt.  In fact, the dishwasher has been broken so long that they just use plastic dishes now.   All of these problems didn’t crop up at once and weren’t simply insurmountable without help but to this person only you could fix this things.

In reality, they could have fixed them or gotten in touch with the right person to do so.  They didn’t because they were waiting for you after a life of being told you’d come and fix their problems.

Now, I’m not saying this person is completely selfish.  They are more than happy, willing, and in fact they are almost desperate to fix any of your problems.  But you know what?  You’ve pretty much got your stuff together.  Sure, the help is nice.  Yeah, it’s nice to have someone who is willing to clean up something you spilled for you.  Or someone to do your laundry for you.  But if they weren’t there you wouldn’t let it just pile up.  Wouldn’t let that spill just sit.  You’d take care of it.

This person isn’t quite at that stage.

You, me, us–  We are that person.  When we pine away wishing to find “our soulmate” we are wishing that someone would fix our problems for us.  You may not realize it, but that is what the idea of the soul mate amounts to.  It is a pretty natural wish.  It doesn’t make it a good one, mind, just natural.

Not only is there not a person out there that will fix your problems, no one that will fill what hole you have in yourself– your future partner(s) shouldn’t have to.  You– I –should fix it.  In life if we spill something, we don’t wait around for someone else to clean it up do we?  I hope not.  I might be upset I spilled something and whine about it but I’m not going to leave the mess for my partner to clean up.  The spill isn’t his fault.

So why should we expect our partners to fix our emotional “spill”s?  We shouldn’t.

My PTSD is not my partners fault.  He did not traumatize me when I was a child.  He didn’t make me watch a man fighting with five other men with an ax.  He didn’t terrorize me to the point that living with a drug dealer was preferable to living with him.  He didn’t starve me because his spouse decided I was eating too much.

These are things he did not do.  So why should he have to fix the problems they created for me?  He shouldn’t.  It falls on me to fix them.  He is not here to make my past pains, heartaches, fears, and traumas go away.  They will never go away.  They will always be a thing that I went through.  If I am not over them, I need to find a way to get over them.  Maybe my partner can help me, but there is nothing he can do to make me get over them if I don’t put in effort myself.

I love my partner.  I love him a great, great deal.  During the week when we’re both on campus if I pass him on the way to class, or workstudy, that unexpected meeting fills me such joy.  The other day we passed by while I was on my way back to workstudy after running an errand.  Just walking with him for a few minutes left me with a smile so big I could feel my face eventually getting sore.

I love him, I love being with him.  I see a future for us.  Someday marriage, a child, our own home, an army of cats.  He is not my soul mate.  He is not here to fix me.  He is not here to fill some hole inside of me.  He is here because we enjoy each other’s company.

But he is not my soul mate.

There are no soul mates.

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